Have you ever disciplined your child and later wondered why you handled the situation the way you did? Have you ever screamed, yelled, bellowed or threatened your children, only to find out it made little positive difference? When discipline does not produce positive results, parental actions and tone of voice are oftentimes part of the problem.

The disciplinary process is supposed to be a teaching process that results in the child becoming more self-disciplined. This is achieved by parents exhibiting good self-discipline skills themselves. Parents need to be firm and consistent, but not harsh. Our delivery must include a reasonable tone of voice, clear short sentences, clear direction, and an absence of judgmental words. Use of swearing, name-calling and put-downs is extremely destructive.

When providing disciplinary actions, yelling or screaming makes matters worse. Have you noticed your child’s or teen’s tone of voice raises right along with yours? That’s because one keeps feeding the other. Our nervous system is stimulated by loud voices and our defenses grow as we are ridiculed or put down. In most cases, listening is discontinued as yelling begins. When our talks reach this point, it is better to end the discussion (yelling match) so that both the parent and the child can let their nervous systems recover.

When we have these out of control loud sessions with our child or teen, little is learned, and we are no closer to self-discipline. The child becomes focused on bad parental behavior, which means they are not thinking about their own behavior. If they are focused on our behavior and we are acting out, we are teaching them how to act out. It is important that we exhibit appropriate problem solving skills, proper verbalizations and well-controlled behaviors if we wish them to learn the same.

Consistent rules need to suggest that what is wrong today was wrong yesterday and will be wrong tomorrow. Consistent discipline implies that we equally and equitably apply teaching and/or consequences each time a rule or family value is broken. It also means that all parental figures agree to the standard and apply like consequences in each situation.

If your child runs between mom and dad arguing their point, there’s a problem with consistency. Interval reinforcement of rules or standards shows poor results. For example, the speed limit on I-70 is clearly marked at 65 miles per hour. Because it is intermittently enforced, many of us push the limit until it is enforced. Our children and teens do the same thing. Consistently enforcing our rules, standards and values is a must if we want our offspring to consistently follow these.

There are many other realities to parenting that can seem challenging. One is that discipline is repetitive. If your goal is to say something only once, you’re bound to be disappointed. We teach children by repetition. Be prepared to say things over and over.

Another reality is that discipline must match the developmental abilities of the child. Don’t expect little children to sit still at the table, because they probably aren’t able. This doesn’t mean not to state the expectation; it means don’t expect them to respond without many prompts.

A third issue is that often we only strive to change behavior, not teach a moral lesson. We cannot always make a child be fond of their brother, but we can teach them not to kick him.

The fourth issue is that after a bad day at work or when we have many other issues on our minds, it is easy to let these things dominate our time. We need to separate our parenting times from our other difficulties. It is not your child’s fault you had a bad day.

A fifth and final issue is recovery from conflict. It is important that you don’t hold grudges against your child. Learn to recover quickly; it is best for your child and for you.

If you find yourself providing discipline that consistently grows a little longer, louder and harder, yet it still doesn’t work, then stop and consider your methods. Approach discipline in a quiet, firm and respectful way. It is better for you and your child will learn more. We all make mistakes, just ask our children. The important thing is to strive for improvement.