Why has society made anger such an ugly experience? An emotion to be feared, ignored, repressed. An emotion too often denied and, therefore, sent reeling out of control because a person becomes afraid to face the facts and the feeling.

We see the worst side of anger every day. It’s called rage. In our nation, more than one in three murders is committed during an argument. Millions of people are abused by angry partners. Road rage causes innumerable deaths and injuries. Students with repressed fury take lives. “Going postal” has become a national slogan.

Yes, anger has become one of the most harmful of human emotions. That is why it is imperative that we educate people on how to deal with it, live with it, and understand it.

Where does anger come from? By its very nature, anger is built into our bodies. It is a warning sign that something is wrong and needs to be resolved. Dealt with as a healthy emotion, it can give us strength and determination to respond to challenges or threats, to right a wrong or injustice.

Violent reactions that come out of anger are not the answer. Nothing gets resolved when anger escalates to rage. If a person acts when the heat of the emotion has them in its grip, they lose all ability to think clearly. The inevitable result is aggression and violence.

Most often this behavior is a learned behavior, passed on as an unfortunate family inheritance. When adults cannot deal appropriately with their anger, they teach their children that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Those children then take these lessons into adulthood and repeat them; only to pass them to the next generation.

We are what we’ve learned. And when we’ve learned improper messages about anger, it is time to step back and teach ourselves a new way of thinking.

The key to stopping anger before it reaches destructive levels is to flush out the root cause of what brought it on in the first place. Also key is to understand that the feeling of anger oftentimes is a veneer or “cover” for other emotions lurking beneath the surface.

Stripping away anger and getting honest about how one really feels about an incident may bring about some surprising discoveries. Below the surface are feelings such as hurt, fear, shame, guilt, powerlessness, low self-worth and a lack of confidence.

Where do these feelings come from? They come from many places: from a lifetime of saying “yes” when we really want to say “no;” from a desire to be accepted no matter what the cost; from allowing others the power to degrade us through words and actions; from learning to “bury” and deny our real needs; from thinking we are wrong for feeling angry when someone hurts us; or from allowing others to blame us for things that go wrong in their lives.

Remember, anger is a natural response to threats, and inspires us to defend ourselves when we are attacked verbally, emotionally or physically. Instead of buying into the belief that you are wrong, bad or responsible for others’ choices, be truthful with yourself about how the actions and words of others really make you feel. Step away from angry situations and learn to express your true feelings in constructive ways.

When it comes to the human psyche, whatever we disown, ignore, cut off or repress only becomes stronger through time, and eventually resurfaces in a distorted, exaggerated and explosive way.

Don’t let misunderstood anger stand in the way of happiness and success in life. Reach out to your local Mental Health Services to gain the tools and ability to reform unhealthy responses to anger into constructive, healthy actions.